1. I love bean dip but I also understand that it is a sham. You can buy a can of bean dip or you can buy a can of refried beans, they’re essentially the same thing. The bean dip will cost you about three bucks, or you can get twice as much if you go with the refried beans and it’ll cost you $1.89. I do understand that the bean dip comes with that little plastic lid so you can reseal it, but it’s not like I’m not eating the entire can in one sitting anyway. It’s a sham.
2. Every night I listen to Gary Wright’s “Dream Weaver” right before I go to bed—I can’t sleep without it. I also feel that listening to this song is much more effective in warding-off nightmares than using a dream catcher. I’ve argued with many a Chippewa about this matter.
3. I own St. John’s Bay clothing—two shirts. I don’t know where I got them—gifts probably—but I’ve had them for awhile. The tags on my shirts say “Authentic St. John’s Bay.” I am proud of this. I laugh when I hear others having this conversation:
“Hey man, nice shirt.”
"Thanks, it’s St. John’s Bay.”
"Whoa—authentic St. John’s Bay?”
“I wish! Do I look like I can afford $12.99 for a plaid button-down shirt? In fact, I can’t afford any clothing that they sell at JC Penney. I got this shirt in Mexico for four bucks—it’s not authentic but it’s the best I can do.”
4. I strongly believe that you have to watch “The Wonder Years” whenever it comes on TV. “Groundhog Day” too. Oh, and “Over the Top.” Also anything with Candance Cameron. And “Bonanza” is on this list, naturally. I don’t care if you have a dentist appointment…
5. If you refer to “Alvin and the Chipmunks” as “Alvin and the Chickmunks” we can never be friends. If you follow by claiming that “it was actually a pretty good movie,” then it is really over. So take that, fat girl I saw at Target: we can never be friends.
6. I never wanted to be the guy for whom the college years were the best time of my life. I’m afraid things may be shaping out that way. But those were some of the chuch-est times I’ve ever had. Now I try to trick myself into feeling content with material things. On an unrelated note, I am looking for love-sac owned by a former Rockies catcher—I know I will be forever happy if I have one. Otherwise I will have to settle for a Ronald Joseph Karkovice game-worn warm-up jacket—which will make me happy, just not as happy.
7. I really can’t decide whether or not Minnie Driver is hot. She is fairly attractive in “Good Will Hunting.” But not so much in “Sleepers.” I just don’t know. Will someone please just tell me so I can move on with my life? I know this isn't funny.
8. Once I shot 2,567 pounds of food, but was only able to carry 62 pounds back to my wagon.
9. I never thought it was remotely funny or clever the way they would hide the bottom half of the neighbor’s face on “Home Improvement.” I also hated when people referred to this show as “Tool Time.”
“Hey man, did you catch ‘Tool Time’ last night?”
“Um, the show is called ‘Home Improvement’—‘Tool Time’ is a show within the show.”
And all of the sudden I’m arguing about a program I don’t even like.
10. I hate it when you’re not around—and the fact that you didn’t call—but mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you—not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
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