La Puanteur du E-Rod

I recently got back from a lovely trip to East Lansing, Michigan and with that came some cool life realizations. Enormously long car rides create an environment well suited for figuring out how to become a sexier, stronger, new you. Here’s what I figured out gang:

1. My testicle sweat is becoming more than an issue for just me.
2. They make a version of the game ‘Dope Wars’ for Blackberry.
3. My Blackberry’s battery goes dead after just one hour of playing ‘Dope Wars’ on it.
4. There’s no place sweeter to drink a 32oz. bottle of Bud Ice than the side of a semi trailer.
5. Breakfast burritos in Iowa give me uncontrollable flatulence.
6. Nebraska can/will suck wiener. Forever.
7. The way I look in stone-wash(ed) jeans is something that most women would never want to see.
8. I can and will eat 4-5 oranges a day if they come from my mom and I feel guilty about not eating them.
9. I can smoke a lot , a lot , a lot of cigarettes without ever getting sick, or sick of it.
10. My throat glands swell up when I smoke a lot, a lot, a lot of cigarettes.

So, most of these things I have no control over. However, I do think I can do something to improve on one of these things. For this post, I’d like to address point number 1.

Point 1 -- My testicle sweat is becoming more than an issue for just me.

Over the years, through my neurosis and acute awareness to my causal effect unto my environment, I have come to realize how I affect others’ time spent with myself. That said, I could tell when Flo was/should (have) been bothered about the stench I was producing. Were I cartoon, surely I would have been drawn with long, thick stink lines radiating from my crotch.

I don’t know what it is about testicle sweat, but it smells a lot like poop. My butt was clean, but it’s almost like there is some poop that accumulates for these types of moments just under the thin skinned no-man’s land. It lives in the taint and sweats out when you’re in social situations with women.

Hypothetical Ex. At a bar talking to a woman after a show

Me: Wow. You’re a veterinarian huh? That’s pretty cool.
Vet Chick: Yeah. It’s a pretty awesome feeling saving…saving…saving (begins to look at my crotch and acts as if nose if stuffed up and begins to grab at it)…you know…uhhhhhh(5-7 seconds)…lives.
Me: I can’t imagine. Does my neck look weird? You’re a doctor right? Is this weird (making my retarded frog neck thing puff out)?
Vet Chick: (Chuckles)…Jesus (Not amused at all. Face says “I’m creeped out”)!
Me: Yeah. I know. (Now I feel awkward and testicle sweat pours)
Vet Chick: It was nice meeting you Derrick.
Me: It’s Eric. (Smiling like an idiot without my teeth showing)

I know when I stink, and since returning to Denver I’ve figured out a way to enhance my natural musk. I call it ‘musk’ because that’s what it is! When animals want to mate they produce a secretion that is meant to draw mates closer. That’s what my body is doing (that’s what I’m telling myself). However, my musk isn’t as pleasant as some females would want. So check this: I’ve begun to spray one very large spritz of Dunhill on my junk in the morning. If the spritz comes out half-ass then I give my crotch another full one for good measure. This is, surely, the best way to enhance my Man-roma. Now when I sweat, the only thing that I can smell (and taste for that matter) is the delightful citrus blend of Dunhill. An excerpt from www.dunhillfragrances.com reads:

“Spices drive the distinctive character of Dunhill, delivering uncompromising masculinity throughout the evolution of fragrance”.

Now, let me ask you this: Doesn’t that sound a lot better than:

“Essence of Hot Pockets and poop drive the distinctive character of Eric’s taint, delivering questioning thoughts about his sanitation habits and overall character” ?


--EAB--