Ad Nauseam

We Must Rebuild. But Who Will Lead Us In the Rebuilding Process???

2010-07-16T11:25:00.000-07:00

60 mile an hour gusts. Tornado Warnings 15 miles away. Small hail and heavy rains. This is what happened. This is my story:

On a hot yet normal July 15th, I was watching the re-run of the Tour de France and started to hear the rumble of thunder and the howling of high winds. The dog comes rushing into the house as I hear the spear-pellets of hail start to crash down on my rickety back patio cover. The computer was on so I went to turn it off since the crashing of lightening was coming closer and closer......"come on, come on!" I said as the hail was getting louder and the winds were now rattling the screen doors and slamming opened doors. As I rushed out of the computer room to try and save what was left of my house, I notice something very heart breaking and devastating not only for myself but for all Southern Colorado. "Oooohhh.......God Dammit!!" I whisper shouted as the tears started to roll from my sweaty cheeks. Oh well. Enjoy!
-Bulge

A Whole New Season

2010-04-28T07:20:00.000-07:00

I've delayed too long! The hops are up, and have been up, for over a month now. I was in the Springs in early March and they were already breaking ground. And now....well now, some of them are 4 feet tall. Further, Ryan sodded his backyard juxtaposing the hop garden between his patio and the lawn. Although I've only seen pictures (the ones below), it looks awesome. The Chinooks are doing exceptionally well and so are the Hoods (no surprise).

South West Brewers Gold(Above)

South Mt Hood

South East Chinook

North West Chinook

North Mt. Hood

North East Fuggle

The New Sod!

East Newport

New Years Strawberry Ale

2009-12-07T12:44:00.000-08:00

Well, as the hops season wore down, so did my motivation to write up here. That is, until two weekends ago. I was in the Springs over the Black Friday weekend, and Ryan and I decided it was time to use some of those hops we ordered in bulk. Using both Bravo and Cascade Hops we brewed a beer similar to Ryan's first pale ale. All ingredients equal aside from the hops. Furthermore, Ryan has intentions of dry hopping the pale ale to get as much Cascade as possible into it. I left exited to brew again as I haven't since the failed all grain we made in the summer.

I figured I'd get back to something that I not only felt confident in, but knew would work. When Matt and I started brewing we were fresh into college and had received the oh-so-horrible Mr. Beer kit. You know, the can of goo and packet of dry yeast? That year, I took whatever the light can of goo was added strawberry jam and created something not completely terrible. In addition, it was super boozy and ready just in time for New Years. Although I usually brew the Blackberry Stout for New Years, I thought that I would try to brew something up that most people would drink instead of just a few dudes.

So, last Friday evening, with a growler of Cream Ale from Fort Collins Brewery, Matt and I brewed up the Strawberry Ale. I'm praying it's better than Mr. Beer. Unfortunately I spilled a bit of yeast after waiting an hour and half to pitch it. I figured I'd have to go get another vial, but after about 36 hours it finally started taking off. When I left the house this morning the air lock was furious with activity. Ahhhh what a relief! At 8 bucks a pop, I'm starting to think that yeast is a bit overpriced. Might try to save what I have and get a starter going for the stout.

I sent the invitations for New Years out this morning promising an alcoholic beverage, so no matter how the beer turns out, I don't think I can be called a liar. Here's the recipe if anyone cares:

.5 lbs Pale Ale Malt
1.5 lbs Crystal Malt
.5 lbs Munich Malt

7lbs Light Liquid Malt Extract

1 oz. Cascade @ 45
1 oz. Cascade @ 15

6lbs Smuckers Brand Strawberry Jam @ 30

Wyeast 1056 - American Ale - Pitched at 75 degrees Farenheit

Guesstimated ABV. 8-10%

This was easily the thickest and stickiest Wort I've ever made. I worry that by adding the jam at 30 minutes into the boil, that a lot of the strawberry goodness may have been steamed out. Also, the pectin in the jam may be of concern, but as long as it's fermenting, I'm gonna go with it!

Hops Season Over

2009-08-24T08:19:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess we're calling the hops season over. We ended up getting a usable amount, and threw them into a pale ale we brewed at Ryan's house a couple of weeks ago. Ryan already has the beer on tap, and said it turned out really well.

Realizing that hops are the most considerable cost when brewing I decided to seek out a cheaper alternative than purchasing them at my local brew store. It doesn't help (the store) that the employees of the shop are yuppie assholes either. Anyway, after doing some mild searching on google, I found a farm in Oregon who sells hops by the pound at a considerably lesser price than the local brew store. Bingo! I bought a pound of Cascades which seem to be a good hop for just about everything, and a pound of a high alpha bittering hop. I'll let you know how my experience goes with them. It ended up being about $1.60 an ounce or so, which to me is a huge difference.

If I get the hops this week, I'm gonna try and brew at my house this Sunday. I'm torn between doing an IPA or something a bit more seasonal. I wanted to do a pumpkin beer, but that seems like a tired idea. If anyone has any ideas please feel free to comment with suggestions. Also, if anyone is interested in my blackberry stout for Christmas time let me know. Debating if I should make 10 gallons as it was consumed very quickly last year.

It's Been Too Long

2009-07-22T14:45:00.000-07:00

Well, A lot has happened over the past month. There was brewfest in Fort Collins, which was, despite the super long lines to get in, a ton of fun. My goal initially was to only drink beers that I had never had before...but that kind of went out the window. In fact, the opposite happened and I only drank beers that I like. Whatever, I'm open minded but it's hard to lay off beers you KNOW are good. So I had 808 from Greeley's own Pitcher's, 1554 from New Belgium, Compass IPA from Bristol, and a couple of other beers I normally enjoy. Overall, I'd say it was a blast and will be excited to do it again next year.

Ryan's Colorado Springs Pale Ale was a hit and is now gone. I didn't get one! That's how it goes though. I also helped friends Claire and Adam brew their first beer (an amber) which has since fermented and been bottled. After talking with Adam I fear that the wort may not have been stirred enough and burned a bit at the bottom. Alas, they've name their beer 'Burnt Children' (in a good way). I guess the slight burnt flavor is a positive.

I have the igredients in my fridge to attempt our 2nd all grain beer, just need to find a good day to do it. It'll be a belgian wit and contain a slurry of inappropriate ingredients. Speaking with Ryan I found that the hops' growth has remained pretty stagnant. I guess that was to be expected eventually and since neither of us know a ton about hop farming we're both telling ourselves this is normal.

The good news is that 4 of the plants have hops growing on them. Even though they're quite small, this is exciting stuff. In addition, the brewers gold plant (one of the 3 late additions) has been growing quite hardily.

Here's some pictures and I'm also going to put a link to Jake's Deck Blog over on the right hand side:

1st Brew of Summer & 8 Functioning Plants

2009-06-18T08:05:00.000-07:00

Since I wrote last the hops have continued their awesome first year progress. All three of the replacement plants have broken ground and appear to be healthy. Colorado Springs has, like the rest of northern Colorado, gotten crazy amounts of rain, hail, and tornado warnings over the past few weeks. No matter. The hops still look great and the southern most Chinook is nearly 6 feet tall. With no reference point, I'm unsure as to whether this is as amazing a feat as I make it out to be, but (!), I think for this being their first year they're doing quite well.

Two weeks ago saw the first brewing of the summer (a pale ale) and just shy of two weeks later it's going into Ryan's newly purchased Corny keg. He said it smells great and I don't doubt that. I'm really excited to try it next time I get down there. Also, this past weekend saw the second brewing of the year. We tried our hand, with Jake, at brewing an all-grain beer.

Last year, Matt's dad helped (read: completely built) us build a freezer conversion tap system. It holds 2 cornys comfortably and maybe 3 if pushed. He likes Hefeweizens, so that's what we did brewed. Ended with an O.G. around 1.032, which was a bit low for our grain bill, but hell, it was our first all grain beer. Give us a break. At last check ferentation had completed, so I will probably try to get it kegged tonight or tomorrow. Here are some pictures I got from Ryan yesterday:

E-Rod's E-Rock E-Rocked. Beer Time!

2009-06-10T08:15:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since the last post, and you can thank the Elephant Rock Ride for that. But after recuperating on Monday, Ryan and I brewed a pale ale. His first homebrew and my first out-of-town homebrew so it was a pretty special moment. Hopefully it turns out well and we can get it into a keg. Trying to use a hop bill that could be replicated with our own once they start producing, we used 2oz. Cascade (still have one plant left in Greeley), 2oz. Chinook (winning the race to the top), and 2oz. Centennial (not planted). We went with a partial mash and used an American Ale yeast. We'll see how it turns out.

Afterwards, we headed over to the Bristol Brewery for beer and shuffleboard. It was sweet. After brewing a pale ale, I wanted something hoppy so I tried their Compass IPA which is brewed with 6 different hops. Bristol is cool enough to have a large chalk board hanging up showing what hops, malts, and adjuncts they use in each of their beers. The Compass was good, and I wish I had brought one of my Cornys when I saw some dude getting his filled up. If ever in the Springs, go check out Bristol Brewery.

After not having seen the hops in a while I was super excited when I finally did. They have grown like crazy. The Hoods are bushy and the Chinook is tall. The Fuggle that's left isn't struggling, but definitely not as prolific as the others. Ryan is doing a killer job and treating them like they are his own children.

Two of the three replacement rhizomes (replaced cascade and 1 fuggle) have broken ground which is great. Hopefully they do ok this year and kick ass next year.

Here are some pictures from 6/9/2009:

Mt Hood #1

Fuggle

Chinook #2

Mt. Hood #2

Chinook #1

Hood and Chinook Race to the Top

2009-05-29T17:59:00.000-07:00

Well, since the last post just earlier this week, the Mt. Hood and Chinook have come quite a ways. The Hoods were introduced to their climbing lines, took hold, and have begun to wrap themselves! Sweet. I'm way too excited about this I think. The three replacement rhizomes came yesterday too and are now in the ground. Not expecting much from them, just want them to get a little growth and establishment. Hopefully they can kick ass next year. Here are the pics:

Mt. Hood

New Rhizomes

Chinook

Weed Free and oh so Close. Oooowheee!

2009-05-27T16:05:00.000-07:00

Just got some more pics of the new and improved weed free C-Springs garden. I spoke with Ryan and he thinks they will be on the lines by the end of the week. Starting to get pretty exciting.

Also, I made it to the Greeley garden yesterday and am proud to announce that the Galena hops have broken ground (after being quite confused and growing downward). The Cascade plant in Greeley doesn't seem to be growing too much at all which concerns me, and something is eating it...bugs. It's all a bit weird because 5 feet away the Nugget plant is doing awesome. Like really awesome. Not as good as the Mt. Hoods but I suspect It'll be on its line also by the end of the week.

Here are some pics of the improved garden I just got from Ryan.

It's about bine! err....time?

2009-05-25T12:51:00.000-07:00

Pretty horrible pun. I'm sorry. I just got some super hot pics from the Colorado Springs garden today as Ryan rushed out during a pause in the rain. It's been a pretty rainy weekend up here in Fort Collins and Greeley. No pictures of the Greeley plants but let me assure you that the Nugget is doing awesome. I also have planted Cascade and Galena in Greeley.

After no signs of life from the Galena I finally dug up the rhizome and to my surprise there were tons of shoots coming off of it. It was almost as if they were growing downward though. Not sure how this is possible. Anyway, I flipped it and anticipate it should break ground this week.

There were also three plants in the Springs that didn't grow. I thought that 6 had come up but was mistaken. We lost both of our Cascade plants. Luckily, the Cascade in Greeley are growing.

I ordered three more plants from freshops and am hoping that they arive this week. I guess I fear that the order may go for next season and not this one so I'm keeping my ears open as to whether they are received on Tuesday or Wednesday.

It looks like we ran into some weed issues too. I'm not sure if there were weed seeds in the mulch I bought or what, but I feel pretty crappy about it. The only place that is growing weeds is in the hop garden which is why we're thinking it was the mulch. Ryan has vowed to pull them which is super awesome, but I still wish I knew the root cause (no pun intended). Here's some pics. As you can see, the Mt. Hoods are getting close to needing the line to climb.

Not sure if I mentioned it, but we used clothesline for the diagonals.

Hops update! More Pictures

2009-05-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I got some more pictures from the garden in Colorado Springs. Not all of the hops plants have broken ground, but so far I'm delighted with the progress of the Mt. Hoods. Next year should be better as the plants will be allowed to come up when they want to and not when I let them.

Here is a shot of the garden. It might give a better idea of the setup. Those are Jalapenos and Radishes in front Two good shots of the Mt. Hoods rockin' it

Bella the guard dog

The Fuggle Are Up

2009-05-12T07:20:00.000-07:00

Got word yesterday that the one of the two Fuggle plants broke ground. The Mt. Hoods are progressing niceley as well. No pictures for this post. Maybe later in the week.

The Hops Are Up

2009-05-08T09:45:00.000-07:00

Well, since no one is really writing for this anymore...I figured I may as well use it to track the growth of my Hops plants in Colorado Springs. Now, I know some of you don't care about this...but I bet that this is checked so infrequently, that it won't really matter.

The hops were planted three weeks ago and broke ground yesterday. Four varieties were planted: Fuggle, Cascade, Mt. Hood, and Chinook. The rhizomes were purchased from freshops out of Oregon. The Mt. Hood rhizomes were 'jumbos' and the rest were 'normal'. I purchased 2 of each not knowing what to expect.

The soil was tested as having a ph right around 7 using a cheap $5 soil tester bought from a local nursery. Steer manure was added for fertilization purposes and the top layer was mulched as was read to be a best practice.

Marigolds were planted around the hops (although they're struggling) as a means to naturally minimize the potential damage of pests. I read about someone doing this and thought it was a neat idea. I have no idea if it actually works.

The garden itself has southern exposure and should serve as a great location for growing hops. Here's a Microsoft Paint design of what the climbing system looks like:

And here's the Mt. Hoods breaking the soil...

2009-02-09T18:02:00.000-08:00

Favorite Food

2008-07-01T23:10:00.001-07:00

My favorite kind of food is either Chinese food or Mexican food. I guess it’s all pink on the inside, right? No wait, it shouldn’t be pink, that might mean it’s undercooked. In fact, if your food is pink on the inside, send it back—unless you think the cooks might spit in it, then just don’t eat it.

La Puanteur du E-Rod

2008-03-11T22:35:00.000-07:00

I recently got back from a lovely trip to East Lansing, Michigan and with that came some cool life realizations. Enormously long car rides create an environment well suited for figuring out how to become a sexier, stronger, new you. Here’s what I figured out gang:

1. My testicle sweat is becoming more than an issue for just me.
2. They make a version of the game ‘Dope Wars’ for Blackberry.
3. My Blackberry’s battery goes dead after just one hour of playing ‘Dope Wars’ on it.
4. There’s no place sweeter to drink a 32oz. bottle of Bud Ice than the side of a semi trailer.
5. Breakfast burritos in Iowa give me uncontrollable flatulence.
6. Nebraska can/will suck wiener. Forever.
7. The way I look in stone-wash(ed) jeans is something that most women would never want to see.
8. I can and will eat 4-5 oranges a day if they come from my mom and I feel guilty about not eating them.
9. I can smoke a lot , a lot , a lot of cigarettes without ever getting sick, or sick of it.
10. My throat glands swell up when I smoke a lot, a lot, a lot of cigarettes.

So, most of these things I have no control over. However, I do think I can do something to improve on one of these things. For this post, I’d like to address point number 1.

Point 1 -- My testicle sweat is becoming more than an issue for just me.

Over the years, through my neurosis and acute awareness to my causal effect unto my environment, I have come to realize how I affect others’ time spent with myself. That said, I could tell when Flo was/should (have) been bothered about the stench I was producing. Were I cartoon, surely I would have been drawn with long, thick stink lines radiating from my crotch.

I don’t know what it is about testicle sweat, but it smells a lot like poop. My butt was clean, but it’s almost like there is some poop that accumulates for these types of moments just under the thin skinned no-man’s land. It lives in the taint and sweats out when you’re in social situations with women.

Hypothetical Ex. At a bar talking to a woman after a show

Me: Wow. You’re a veterinarian huh? That’s pretty cool.
Vet Chick: Yeah. It’s a pretty awesome feeling saving…saving…saving (begins to look at my crotch and acts as if nose if stuffed up and begins to grab at it)…you know…uhhhhhh(5-7 seconds)…lives.
Me: I can’t imagine. Does my neck look weird? You’re a doctor right? Is this weird (making my retarded frog neck thing puff out)?
Vet Chick: (Chuckles)…Jesus (Not amused at all. Face says “I’m creeped out”)!
Me: Yeah. I know. (Now I feel awkward and testicle sweat pours)
Vet Chick: It was nice meeting you Derrick.
Me: It’s Eric. (Smiling like an idiot without my teeth showing)

I know when I stink, and since returning to Denver I’ve figured out a way to enhance my natural musk. I call it ‘musk’ because that’s what it is! When animals want to mate they produce a secretion that is meant to draw mates closer. That’s what my body is doing (that’s what I’m telling myself). However, my musk isn’t as pleasant as some females would want. So check this: I’ve begun to spray one very large spritz of Dunhill on my junk in the morning. If the spritz comes out half-ass then I give my crotch another full one for good measure. This is, surely, the best way to enhance my Man-roma. Now when I sweat, the only thing that I can smell (and taste for that matter) is the delightful citrus blend of Dunhill. An excerpt from www.dunhillfragrances.com reads:

“Spices drive the distinctive character of Dunhill, delivering uncompromising masculinity throughout the evolution of fragrance”.

Now, let me ask you this: Doesn’t that sound a lot better than:

“Essence of Hot Pockets and poop drive the distinctive character of Eric’s taint, delivering questioning thoughts about his sanitation habits and overall character” ?

--EAB--

Pre-order your GREENglove today.

2008-02-08T16:50:00.000-08:00

In an effort to decrease the carbon footprint of the average fossil fuel burning motor carriage, ECOsignal has introduced a revolution in turn signal technology. The GREENglove made by the environmentally friendly turn signal company ECOsignal offers an easy, affordable way to decrease the carbon footprint of your automobile.

The GREENglove is designed to be mounted just below, or directly in the driver side window of any car. The apparatus protrudes from the side of the auto, and allows the driver to slide his or her hand out the window (or just below it), into the mitt, and use the traditional arm signals whenever one needs to turn, slow down, or change lanes.

The do it yourself kit comes with:

9.5cm hole-saw.
mounting ring and hardware.
silicone sealant.
one left handed GREENglove.
3 latex repair patches.

Here is was what some satified customers had to say...

Harold Schumacher of Emmet County, Michigan said,

"I can't believe I didn't think of this years ago. I've been rolling down my window, signaling turns, then rolling the window back up for 5 years now, and you want to hear the really bad part? Here it comes... I don't have power windows, can you even believe that?"

Cynthia Firth of Tappshannock, Virginia wrote,

"I felt so wasteful flashing lights all over just to tell people where I was going, with the advancements that ECOsignal has made in the world of green turn signals, I don't feel bad driving my Excursion around town, even if I am alone!"

Maximilian Jenkins of Klamath Falls, Oregon said,

"I'm proud to say that I removed and recycled the bulbs, wire, and plastic from my turn signals, brake lights, and heated rear view mirrors. I don't need signals anymore, not now that the GREENglove has replaced the need for all this electrical garbage. I'll never get another DUI from a burnt out turn signal, plus think of how much energy I'm saving. I know the glove does nothing for the heated mirrors, but they weren't working anymore, and I couldn't afford to fix them."

The GREENglove sells for $295.99 or 200.00 Euro for the British model that comes with a right hand glove and this "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter" bumper sticker.

ECOsignal is proud to lead the way in green turn signaling and looks forward to unveiling their new keyless entry retro-fit for newer cars with energy wasting, environment ruining, terror funding keyless entry remotes.

Ten Things You Need to Know About Me

2008-02-03T11:25:00.000-08:00

You probably think that you know me, but the truth is that you will never really know me until you know these ten things.

1. I love bean dip but I also understand that it is a sham. You can buy a can of bean dip or you can buy a can of refried beans, they’re essentially the same thing. The bean dip will cost you about three bucks, or you can get twice as much if you go with the refried beans and it’ll cost you $1.89. I do understand that the bean dip comes with that little plastic lid so you can reseal it, but it’s not like I’m not eating the entire can in one sitting anyway. It’s a sham.

2. Every night I listen to Gary Wright’s “Dream Weaver” right before I go to bed—I can’t sleep without it. I also feel that listening to this song is much more effective in warding-off nightmares than using a dream catcher. I’ve argued with many a Chippewa about this matter.

3. I own St. John’s Bay clothing—two shirts. I don’t know where I got them—gifts probably—but I’ve had them for awhile. The tags on my shirts say “Authentic St. John’s Bay.” I am proud of this. I laugh when I hear others having this conversation:

“Hey man, nice shirt.”

"Thanks, it’s St. John’s Bay.”

"Whoa—authentic St. John’s Bay?”

“I wish! Do I look like I can afford $12.99 for a plaid button-down shirt? In fact, I can’t afford any clothing that they sell at JC Penney. I got this shirt in Mexico for four bucks—it’s not authentic but it’s the best I can do.”

4. I strongly believe that you have to watch “The Wonder Years” whenever it comes on TV. “Groundhog Day” too. Oh, and “Over the Top.” Also anything with Candance Cameron. And “Bonanza” is on this list, naturally. I don’t care if you have a dentist appointment…

5. If you refer to “Alvin and the Chipmunks” as “Alvin and the Chickmunks” we can never be friends. If you follow by claiming that “it was actually a pretty good movie,” then it is really over. So take that, fat girl I saw at Target: we can never be friends.

6. I never wanted to be the guy for whom the college years were the best time of my life. I’m afraid things may be shaping out that way. But those were some of the chuch-est times I’ve ever had. Now I try to trick myself into feeling content with material things. On an unrelated note, I am looking for love-sac owned by a former Rockies catcher—I know I will be forever happy if I have one. Otherwise I will have to settle for a Ronald Joseph Karkovice game-worn warm-up jacket—which will make me happy, just not as happy.

7. I really can’t decide whether or not Minnie Driver is hot. She is fairly attractive in “Good Will Hunting.” But not so much in “Sleepers.” I just don’t know. Will someone please just tell me so I can move on with my life? I know this isn't funny.

8. Once I shot 2,567 pounds of food, but was only able to carry 62 pounds back to my wagon.

9. I never thought it was remotely funny or clever the way they would hide the bottom half of the neighbor’s face on “Home Improvement.” I also hated when people referred to this show as “Tool Time.”

“Hey man, did you catch ‘Tool Time’ last night?”

“Um, the show is called ‘Home Improvement’—‘Tool Time’ is a show within the show.”

And all of the sudden I’m arguing about a program I don’t even like.

10. I hate it when you’re not around—and the fact that you didn’t call—but mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you—not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Here's What's Being Advertised When I Watch "Monk"

2008-01-25T21:19:00.000-08:00

I’ve probably seen the commercial 20+ times and I never gave it a second thought. Maybe you’ve seen it. It’s a commercial for Valtrex.

The commercial starts out with all these hip looking twenty-somethings talking about their herpes while loading a kayak onto their four-runner or doing some other activity that subtly tells me how cool they are.

Usually the supposedly disease-free girlfriend is sitting next to her boyfriend talking openly about his STD—in actuality this girl is much too attractive for me to believe that she would want to have anything to do with some herpe-farm d-bag. Or some other girl is talking about careful she has to be because she has herpes and her boyfriend doesn’t. The guy just sits there smiling like an idiot. Really dude? She has herpes, you don’t, and you’re sticking around? Really? Really?

Whatever. This doesn’t even bother me. Truthfully, I don’t care about any of that at all. In fact, I was just using that as filler to get to what really concerns me. I didn’t want this post to be too short to be taken seriously. This is important.

Here it is. This is in the commercial:

“70% of people with herpes got it when their partner showed no signs of an outbreak.”

Think about this.

This means that that 30% of people with herpes got it when their partner was showing signs of an outbreak. 3 out of 10 people who have herpes saw visible evidence that there was something disgusting going on, and went for it anyway. Sick.

“Yeah bro, she was totally all over me. Chick totally wanted me, so I disregarded the fact that I would almost certainly contract an incurable virus that causes outbreaks of nasty sores on my dong. It was sweet.”

Hey 30%, enjoy your herpes. You deserve them.

Call me when you want to have an intelligent conversation.

2008-01-12T19:37:00.000-08:00

I had a date last week. Correction, a series of three bad dates.

I would like to think that I am an intelligent human being. I mean, I may not have much common sense, but I did manage to clamber my way through the rigorous Greeley District 6 education system and still be admitted into and graduate from a third tier university.

I hesitate to tell people that I am a graduate student. It makes me extremely uncomfortable (and feel obnoxiously pretentious) because a precedent has been set that I will unlikely live up to. This was never more evident than in the case of my most recent gentleman caller. He thought I was hot and knew I was smart. Apparently that means he KNOWS me, and never really bothered to ask me anything about myself. Or else I'm sure that what I'm about to say might not have been an extreme shock.

After three dates of listening to him ramble with nary a break for breathing about his political leanings, how he doesn't like Jesus the God but loves Jesus the Man, and how evolutionary psychology is the crux of the WORLD... I had enough. I thought maybe he was just nervous, but after three dates it was clear that this was it with this guy. And I can't help it. I hate that shit. Politics will never enthrall me, philosophy will always be dead guys with little scientific merit, and religious conversations tend to put me on edge.

When I called to eventually break off his plans of an eventual fourth date, he left me with a gem sounding something like "call me when you want to have an intelligent conversation."

Hey douche, if you are so disturbed about what's going on in Africa right now that it warrants 15 minutes of intense discussion, why aren't you there? Why are you in East Lansing trying to date me? Seems a bit counter-intuitive for the man who is planning to single-handedly solve the world's problems.

All I want out of my social life right now is to watch "The Hills" with the fervor of a 13 year old girl, drink a good Long Island, take bets on how long Lindsay Lohan will stay out of rehab, and bumble my way through the Hall and Oates classic "Maneater" at karaoke. And I'm not going to let a 26 year old with no college degree spouting off sonnets on how he wants to be like Jesus the Man make me feel bad about it.

I am so smart. S-M-R-T.

I’m not an Elitist…I just think I’m better than you

2008-01-08T18:28:00.000-08:00

To Greeley:

I really wish angry mothers would shut the fuck up about the lead painted toys. It’s not like your kid is gonna turn into Mark fuckin’ Riggins because his Spongebob doll is coated in a thin layer of toxic shit. Look around bitches. Be worried that your kid is gonna get a 16 on is ACTs. Be worried that your kid is gonna need to drink martinis at the ripe age of 18 after a hard days work baking rolls at your local Texas Roadhouse. Be worried that your daughter is gonna get boned by her 30+ year old highschool psychology teacher…or gym teacher…or fondled by her tennis coach.

Be worried that your idiot fuckin’ son is gonna go from the kid with ear wax visibly draining from his ear to being infamously known as a bigot in Sports Illustrated or maybe stab someone. I talked to Matt about his near 10 year high school reunion and he said he was going to try and scheme a way to fake his own death. I don’t blame him.

There’s a lot bigger shit going down than the God damn lead.

To Hobos:

I recently overheard a woman in McDonalds on Colfax and Penn. get berated by some piece of shit homeless guy who happened to be black:

“All you white people think you’re fuckin’ better than us huh? You’za afraid of the blacks ain’t cha bitch”?

No. We’re afraid of you because we just saw you smoke a fuckin’ crack rock just outside the door. We’re afraid of you because it looks like you shit your pants, you’re frothing at the mouth, and your breath smells like you’ve been sucking on a piece of your poop laden pants. We’re afraid of you because you have nothing to lose and can only gain from your ass getting arrested.

Where’s Mike Sherman when you need a good butterfly knife?

To Denver:

You suck too. Corey’s gotten mugged (and propositioned by a hooker hahaha). I’ve seen a gunfight. There’s a crack dealer two houses down, and it’s cold. What’s worse is that I don’t live in an area associated with scariness. I live in the damn gay district. I thought the swarms of people wearing those ‘oh so subtle’ white earbuds and beanie/ball caps would be the end of me but they’re the least of my concerns. Found out a while back that a month before I moved in someone was murdered in the parking lot behind my building. As in, less than 50 yards away from where I sleep. As in, one person KILLING another person. And about a month after I moved in, an attendant at the 16th street mall 7-11 (about 4 blocks away) was shot in the face.

I know there isn’t much of a point to this. But writing this out really felt good. That kind of good that is usually reserved for moments like holding Bip’s door closed with moving ties at 8 a.m. and playing your half-stack as loud as it’ll go. Or…video taping a covert snowball operation targeted at Mormons (Operation Mormon Hawk as I’ve dubbed it). I miss the smell of rotten Papa Johns and B.O.

Peace Out

I'm not a _____, but...

2008-01-08T11:49:00.000-08:00

We've all been there. It's the Christmas party and everyone is having a great time. The wine is being served and the conversation is flowing. And then that funny guy, you know Ted from accounting, pipes up with what will most assuredly be a hilarious little quip. And then that all too familiar phrase pops out of his mouth. "Dude, I'm not racist, but..."

At this point you don't know what old Ted is going to say. All you can say for sure really, is that it will be the most racist thing you've ever heard in your life. Any time an extremist view is followed with a "but", be prepared to hear things you never thought you'd be subjected to, outside the walls of John Evans Junior High. But hey, I don't discriminate. I won't judge. I know it takes all kinds, right? That's why this goes for all the "I'm not ____" statements. "Dude, I'm no homer, but the Broncos are obviously the best team EVER! "Dude, I'm not sexist, but women should only be allowed to work if it's in the kitchen." "Dude, I'm not gay but, did you check out that new guys ass! Yeah!"

No, a pre-qualifing statement doesn't give you free reign to say whatever you want. "I mean I've never actually been to Greeley, but dude, it TOTALLY smells like ass." And so we dance. What a tangled web the feeble tard mind weaves.

I mean, I'm just as retarded as the next guy, but...

Do the Conga!

2008-01-03T12:50:00.000-08:00

This will have to be a four part series or I fear blogger will shove off everyone else’s posts.

There are moments in our lives that define you both as a person as well as an artist. Everyone is struggling with questions like “Why am I here” and “Are relationships a solution to loneliness, or simply way to suppress it”? The opinions are numerous and varied, and for as many people there are on the earth there are different answers to the aforementioned questions. People find solace and relatability (it’s a word I checked) in art and music and literature that makes them feel like someone else understands them. Personally, music has always been my blue eyed boy.

With that said, I thought I’d share with you some of my favorite songs. Lyrics with devastating power, elegance, and honesty. These lines served as inspiration to me in my hardest times and have gotten me through depression, wild drug accusations, and having a shit-head brother. Allow me to walk you through my life in a lyrical context:

1989 – Gloria Estefan 1-2-3
Nickname: E.A.

Gloria helps me learn how to count as my mom dances in the living room singing into a broom and I get a little bit more effeminate:
“1-2-3-4 come on baby say you love me…5-6-7 times…8-9-10-11 I'm just gonna keep on counting…Until you're mine”

1990 – C&C Music Factory Things that make you go Hmmmmm…
Nickname: Air-Reeeeeek!
I learn about the birds and the bees…
“I said chill baby baby chill baby baby wait…My girl bust in, Caught us creating a boom…She said "Girlfriend"?”

And the correlation between “tightness” and blood types…
“I watched the fight. I thought is was alright…'Cause me and Jay were really really tight…So damned close we had the same blood type”

1991 – L.L. Cool J Mama Said Knock You Out
Nickname: Reekers
What the Fuck is a Jammy?
“I'm gonna tie you up and let you understand…that I'm not your average man…when I got a jammy in my hand”

1992 – House of Pain Jump Around
Nickname: Reekers (still)
I got a sterling silver cross necklace, a Notre Dame hat, Side Pocket, and a baby mullet
“Or better yet a terminator…Like Arnold Schwarzenegger…Try'n to play me out like as if my name was Sega”

Q: What's on TV today?

2008-01-02T18:24:00.000-08:00

A: Poop.

I hate what’s on TV now and miss what used to be.

What happened to “Unsolved Mysteries”? I find it hard to believe that all of my favorite mysteries from the late eighties have been solved. I also find it hard to believe that there aren’t any new mysteries. Where did “Unsolved Mysteries” go? Now that’s a fucking mystery. I want it back.

And “Rescue 911” too. Dramatic re-enactments = pure awesomeness. I mean, you see a kid running with a toothbrush in his mouth and its like, “Oh shit, here we go…” Or someone would get stuck in a laundry chute—hilarious. But then they would have like an armed robbery and it would be like “Whoa, time to get serious.” Man, that show had it all.

Also, I miss “Boy Meets World.” I could really relate to that show—undoubtedly TGIF’s finest. I mean here’s this kid Cory, kind of dorky but everyone liked him (Erod). He had this really cool friend who the ladies loved named Sean Hunter (me). And they had this great teacher who changed their lives named Mr. Feeney (Jake). Remember the first time Erod kissed Topanga? Crazy. Wait, did that really happen? Oh, and if Corey feels left out he can be Minkis.

And is it too much to ask to come home from work, turn on the TV, and hear the theme from Disney’s “Talespin”? I would be like “Is that bear flying an airplane to an island bar ran by a monkey? Ah, who gives a shit, that song is money. Do-do-do Do-da-do-do…”

Whatever. I guess I’ll go watch “Reba.” (She doesn’t even sing, she’s just a single-mom living next door to her ex-husband. I mean, play to your strengths.)

Seriously though, what happened to "Unsolved Mysteries"?

Robert Stack, little help?

Funny Graffiti.

2007-12-27T17:35:00.000-08:00

The picture is awful, so I'll help you out.

Someone defaced a bathroom stall with "Toy Story 2 was OK" and a little smiley face next to it. Funny to see this next to some repulsive phrase about male on male anal sex. I guess movie reviews can be taboo too in Ogallala, NE.

G'Damn Sity Slickers.

2007-12-05T12:13:00.000-08:00

Like'n the great cuntrymusic star (Luke Dodge) says, I's lucky nough to be frum a little slice of heaven called South Dakota. I think me and Luke could make some damn fine kickin' kountry if we got together and did a little thinkin' bout songs and stuffs. I grew up just like every little kid out in the country, doin chores, ropin' steers, lyin' on the riverbank, painting our names on tha watertank, miscountin all the beer you drank. I played a little baseball, helped out on Grandpa's farm.

All that's great, but I think the song already got wrote. I'm'n thinkin that Luke and I need to focus on my favorite activity, shootin' shit. Luke and I'll get to that ventually, right now I need to talk about a little pet Peav of mine. Every year I pack my things and head east for the Christmas season, I usually get to go out and shoot shit at least a few times while I'm home, Pheasants are my most favorite. Every year before I leave, someone asks me to "catch them a bird or two," or when I get back, someone says "did you catch any birds while you were home?" You know what I said? I says to the guy, I says, "You gotta be a goddamn moron to ask me a question like that with a straight face." Or I says, "You must be the dummest sumofabitch I ever seen to think I catch birds, don't ever talk to me again."

You folks really think we look like this when we head out to bring home supper? Or do you think we catch'em like this?
Hey look he caught a trophy, look at the tail feather, he'll look good flyin on the wall above the davenport in the guest room.
This dumb Pheasant thought he could sneak out the end of the field.
Well, enough about that, I'm gonna go catch me a big one.

The Next Big Thing (Me)

2007-12-01T14:02:00.000-08:00

Through what I originally believed was an accident, I woke this morning to a local radio station that plays all of today’s hottest country hits. I say that I originally thought it was an accident because it may have actually been something more—possibly a greater power at work.

As I laid in bed, not quite ready to face a Saturday filled with crappy-ass movies on TBS (“Richie Rich” in case you’re wondering) and unfulfilling meals consisting of spicy bean dip and Fritos Scoops ®, I listened to song after mediocre song. The one consistent factor from artist to artist was that they all had names that were perfect for country music.

I hypothesize that being a successful male country musician is 8% talent, 12% American pride, and 80% having a great name. So why not me? I spent much of the day developing a sophisticated mathematical formula to uncover the perfect name. I won’t disclose the actual formula (NASA may be interested) but I think we’ll all agree that it works.

My ticket to stardom is a name: Luke Dodge.

It’s the perfect name for a male country musician. Fans of the genre wouldn’t love me more if my name was Tracy Bowhunter, Cody Nascar, or Casey Bassboat.

I will become a huge star despite that fact that 1) I have limited (if any) musical talent and 2) listening my songs will be less appealing than drinking that vase of rotten vegetable juice Bip used to “cleanse” himself.

First I’ll need a band. I will nab the boys who play back-up for Kenny Cordova and we’ll become Luke Dodge & Ye Olde Honky-Tonk Rebels. We’ll play gigs in northern Colorado (Rafferty’s mostly) until discovered by a slightly overweight man wearing teal sweatpants who has “big ties” in the music industry. Those ties will come through in a huge way when me and the Rebels land a spot on KRFC’s “Live at Lunch.” A masterful performance will leave the host with only one thing to say: “Derr gonna be out derr listning to dat.”

When it’s time to cut my debut album I plan on collaborating with South Dakota native Corey Carlson. Together we will write a powerful ballad about life in his home state with meaningful references to the open range, Mount Rushmore, a half finished tribute to Crazy Horse, Deadwood, and Flintstone’s Village. It will be the hit single that propels my record (“Dodge City”) to #1.

Before no time I will be making out with Carrie Underwood in the back of my tour bus and rubbing elbows with hot shots like Tony Romo and Kid Rock. Then I’ll probably get really drugged out and/or become a drunk. But whatever. Carrie Underwood is hot.

Kids say the darndest things.

2007-11-29T16:07:00.001-08:00

My group is having a joint concert with a high school in town, and at rehearsal the director asked us to talk to the kids mixed in among the group. Like, find out how long they had been playing, tell them how long we had been playing... here was my attempt at talking to the high school kid sitting next to me.

Me: How old are you?
Kid: 14.
Me: Oh... I've been playing longer than you've been alive.
Kid: Yeah, I figured as much.

Thanks for re-establishing the fact that I'm an old woman, kid.

Tards everywhere "Super concerned" about writer's strike

2007-11-28T08:28:00.000-08:00

Well it's been 3 weeks now and there's still no sign of any agreement between the writers and the execs. I'm afraid this is bringing us to the inevitable. Maybe not next week or the week after, but at some point in the near future, they're going to run out of new episodes of "2 and a half men." I just don't know what I'm going to do without Chuck Sheen’s razor sharp wit and uncanny acting ability. I mean, when I first heard about the strike I said to myself "It's no big deal, I'm sure they have plenty of episodes of "The Big Bang Theory" in the can. This whole thing will be over soon enough and no one will even remember this whole thing happened." However my fears were realized when last week during sweeps it was yet another rerun of "How I met your Mother." I mean it just makes me so angry. How can these selfish writers deny their fans of all the brilliant work they do. I mean, even I was skeptical about that Caveman show, but come on have you seen that show? There's some AMAZING writing going on there. I mean, you would have to be some kind of genius, or really, REALLY high, to come up with an idea as hysterical as that. I just hope they get it ironed out in time for the Oscars. I think I speak for everyone when I say that the timeless banter between that one guy from Desperate Housewives and the unflappable Tom Bergeron can't be missed.

I guess I could look at it on the bright side, this is giving me a chance to run through my Becker collection on DVD again, since there's nothing good on TV anymore...

R there N E good guys out there??? (city) - 37

2007-11-26T23:06:00.000-08:00

I like reading personal ads for one reason: I'm an asshole and they make me feel really really good about myself. I don't know if the type of people who create personal ads all follow some inane jack-ass guide or what, but all the posts seem to follow this pattern:

Step 1. Ask "where is alls the good men".

Step 2. Go on and on about how you tried this before and how it only attracted the shitty kind of people who would respond to a personal ad on craigslist.

Step 3. State either:
a) your eye color
OR
b) your heighth and your eye color.
Either way it is important that you leave the weight portion off. I'm sure this is to dodge all the superficial men out there.
Step 4. Talk about how you hate "games" and you're just not gonna play them no more. You're looking for a nice guy, not like that Greg asshole who tried to nail you on the side of a Goodwill donation trailor. Nope! No fuckin' way! Not again! You deserve someone better and you're ready to list out all the things you want. Tenderness, compassion, respect, optimism, stability, chivalry, money, athleticism, piercings and tattoos (oddly enough), good communication, empathy (but not sympathy....you aren't a pity case), and someone who's okay with talking until 5 a.m. "just because".
Step 5. Take a digital picture (shotty webcam shots of you typing are also acceptable) using the lowest resolution you possibly can of yourself in your bathroom. This shows us:

Select from the following:
a) Your filthy fuckin' bathroom
b) Your inability to work a camera without a mirror
c) Your head mimics the shape of a rugby ball
d) You biting your cheeks in a desperate move to become attractive

Step 6. Repeat steps 2-5, however, replace "where is alls the good men" in step 1 with "lets try this again."

p.s. The block over your eyes makes you look like some crazy 3-weinered person getting there picture taken for medical textbooks.

I just wish I could find someone as honest as I would be were I desperate enough to write one. The following is a good example of both what I look like and what I'm looking for:

"My name is ____ and I'm 6'3" and 155 lbs. Not only does this make me extremely lanky, but it also makes any sort of small fall a life endangering event. My forearms surpass the mass of both my biceps and triceps put together (think popeye only not as large), and my ribs are easily countable when I take off my shirt (there all there ;) ). My 8+ years of smoking filthy cigarettes have stained my teeth and make me smell like a dive bar at all times. In addition, my feet smell terrible and I only clip my toenails if it's gotten to the point that my feet hurt inside of shoes. I have an average sized penis and don't have the arm strength to support being on top for more than 10 minutes.

I'm looking for someone who is far more successful and ambitious than myself who finds me to be tolerable. It would also be great if the girl could be hot but have low enough self-esteem so she wouldn't realize that she could do a lot better. She should not be into "anal" or "master" (still don't know what that means). A Rachel McAdams would suit me fine.

Back to me. My nose over the years has taken the shape of a beak and my facial pores are big enough to use as storage containers for food during the winter months. I have an odd muscle under my jaw just above my neck that I can flex outwards to resemble amphibions.

Please write me back ASAP!!!!!"

Yes, this kind of sucks.

2007-11-26T22:56:00.000-08:00

Okay, I know that you’re not supposed to go back-to-back. Whatever.

You may or may not know that my travels back to the front range for Thanksgiving involved an eight and a half hour train ride from Grand Junction to Union Station in Denver. You also may or may not know that train rides across the state of Colorado can be quite scenic and that the conductors are known to point out things and make commentaries along the way. Kind of like airplane pilots—“If you’ll look out to your right you’ll notice…”

The thing that struck me about the conductor on my trip was the way he would tell us about upcoming points of interest. Even though he was the only one talking—clearly not carrying on a conversation with anyone—he was starting off most of his comments by answering “yes” to questions that no one was asking. He was frequently following what I call the “yes, yes, and yes” format.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we are approaching the Moffat Tunnel. Yes, the tunnel is 6.2 miles long. Yes, it does accumulate a lot of built up exhaust from diesel fuel from freight trains. And yes, there are potential health risks to you the passengers if we do not completely seal off the openings to each car.”

Not too weird. Not too funny either. But what about when he starts answering “yes” to questions that no one would ever ask? (I’m not making this up…)

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we are approaching the community of Bond, Colorado. Yes, this is the area where much of the movie ‘Under Siege 2: Dark Territory’ was filmed. Yes, they also used Denver’s Union Station in the movie. And yes, that movie did star Steven Seagal.”

As if there is some die-hard Seagal fan sitting on the train looking out the window going “Hey, this looks familiar. Like really, really familiar…”

How about this:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we are approaching the community of Bond, Colorado where the movie ‘Under Siege 2: Dark Territory’ was filmed. Yes, this movie was an absolute piece of shit. Yes, your only hope of finding it anywhere is on VHS tapes at the Mile High Flea Market. And yes, the Mile High Flea Market is eighty paved acres open weekends and Wednesdays.”

That’s all I got. Yes, it’s kind of a short post. Yes, it’s moderately funny at best. And yes, maybe you had to be there.

Sword Stores

2007-11-16T17:29:00.000-08:00

I am planning on going to graduate school in a couple of years to get my MBA. This may end up being a little way down the road, but I have already decided what my thesis will be titled: Don’t Open Sword Stores.

Sword stores are bad business decisions.

If you ever see a sign that says “Sword Shop” keep looking—you’re bound to also see a sign that says “For Lease” or “Space for Rent.” Weird huh? Wouldn’t you expect to hear nothing but sword store success stories? Well, unfortunately archaic weapons don’t sell like they used to. Believe it or not, people just don’t need swords, daggers, and nunchuks anymore. They don’t need wizard statues either. They can get their Zippos elsewhere.

Worst of all, should a person be in the market for a sword they need not seek out a sword store. They can acquire their weapon for pennies on the dollar. How? I think we all know how. As long as those long-winded bastards on QVC aren’t cutting themselves on live TV—so badly that they need “emergency medical care”—they will be more than willing to put together a nice little 47 knife package at a price that can’t be beat (sheaths included).

So right now I am going to carry a lawn-chair down to my car. I’m going to keep it there. And should I ever see a sword store that is actually in business, I am going to get my chair out. I’m going to sit there and I’m going to watch. My money says that within two days I will see a fat guy wearing a faux-silk dragon shirt and some pewter rings waddle out and paste a “going out of business” sign in his store window. Sword stores are bad business decisions.

on getting carded.

2007-11-14T16:39:00.000-08:00

What is it about purchasing alcohol or boarding a plane or basically any task that requires that a stranger look at my Driver's License that invites people to comment on my appearance? I haven't exactly been keeping a tally, but this has been happening with an increased frequency lately.

The stranger in question tells me that they like my hair better short.
While at first glance, this almost seems as a compliment... wait a second, a backhanded one. Clearly, I look nothing like this currently. Undoubtedly, I was more attractive in the past, dropping $35 every month to look like this:

I talk a big game, but I would love nothing more than to tell them they'd look better with their natural lip color instead of that phosphorescent crimson. It tends to be ridiculously hideous women with mustaches and curly fake nails that unleash this gem on me.

Thankfully, the man checking my ID when I was trying to re-enter the grand US of A from the Hell on Earth that is Tijuana (a land in which, by the way, my current appearance was deemed attractive by filthy salesmen who offered me free jewelry and Mexican boyfriends), wasn't nearly as particular with my appearance. Though I'm sure that anyone standing in The Line Ride for two hours looks the same: like shit. And nothing like their license.

My Sexual Peak Ends on Saturday.....

2007-11-07T11:41:00.000-08:00

I read somewhere that the average sexual peak of a male occurs from ages 17-23. On Saturday I'll turn 24. Depressing? Yeah, it's fucking depressing. No more are the days of a poorly put together micro-suede/pine futon getting abused by my rompous sexual acts (I'm sure these were painful days for Matt in the room over). Two years ago I got a place by myself. The reasons were numerous, but mainly it was due to me wanting to play guitar without annoying anyone. The move was helped by my roommates Brian and Matt. When loading the futon mattress into the back of Matt's truck, I couldn't help but remember all the good times I'd had on it. As my thoughts drifted elsewhere Brian brought me back to reality:

Brian: "This mattress fuckin' smells"!

Me: "I know"

Brian: "Dude, what the fuck is wrong with this thing" (burying his face into his armpit as his arms were full)

Me: "I don't know" (big time lie)

Brian: "I can't fuckin' take this" (he drops his end of the mattress on the ground and walks away gasping for breathe)

Me: "You know, I can't smell it anymore. C'mon let's load it".

Brian: "Fine....(picks it up) it still smells"!

We loaded the mattress and Brian washed his hands staring at me in disbelief. "I've never smelled anything like that" he said. I told him that it was probably due to me breaking a few fevers on it without any sheets on it. Brian knows all about mine breaking fevers on shit. When we first moved to Fort Collins I slept on his faux leather (i.e. vinyl) sofa for the duration of a 12 month lease....needless to say I ruined it. 'Desimated' may be a better word. The seat of the stupid thing would constantly fall out and I would have to dig my hand behind the "cushion" to get it going again. I fear I've digressed too far though...back to the sex.

So on Saturday it'll all be over and perhaps...perhaps... I won't be so embarrassed of some of the partners I chose to schwerve on that old blue micro-suede futon mattress. Ok, yes I will. I've made some devastatingly poor decisions in the past three years. Since I've even gotten an STD test and guess what? I'm clean bitches! Despite Bedula and her crazy ways. The year of 24 will be the year of good decisions. I promise. I never in my life thought I would have to get an STD test and have promised myself that I will never have to for the rest of it (my life).

I look forward to the furthered intellectual things I might think about in replacement of sex. I want to know more about a lot of things. Some examples include: the origin of Nihilism, Latin grammar structure, and string theory.....G-String theory! Yeah. Peace out bitches.

-EB-

Tard in the loud shirt, yes we see you... and we don't care.

2007-11-07T08:03:00.000-08:00

Oh, you may think that shirt says, "player on patrol" or "come get lucky in Kentucky" but what it really says is "I'm a gigantic douche." You may be thinking "hey, those vintagey shirts are funny, not to mention the chicks love them." That vintagey shit was cool and ironic 5 years ago, when it was actually a vintage shirt. Now you have to go and drop $35 for a faux old shirt with the oh so funny "sexy time" written on it. That horrible movie came out last year and your shirt looks like it's from 1974. Oh yeah, you're a big Doobie Brothers fan? That's why you have there tour shirt from 14 years before you were born. I bet that concert was so wicked sweet wasn't it? For every hilarious "meh." there's 3 horrible "i'm wearing camouflage, you can't see me" and ten ugly chicks wearing the self appointed "hottie". I can see your fat rolls, you’re not a hottie. I think I'll actually decide for myself who is a hottie. Take your beer bong and your "more cowbell" t-shirt and be on your way.

And Hawaiian shirt guy. Don't even get me started on you...

Trouble at the Teta House

2007-11-06T17:04:00.000-08:00

yo bros, wat's up? i just wanted to clear thngs up cuz i know you guys probly heard about that shit going down at the house last weekend. the only reson the cops got called was cause ricky was all drunk and tried to do a kegstand and he felll face first into the keg and knocked himself out and lost a few teeth. anyway, angela let me see her tiggums while the cops were questioning talon, dexter, and chad so it was an awesom night. yeah, you better believe that all six of those collars are popped.

take it easy bros.

fratty mcbro

treasurer, theta beta teta

Ad Nauseam Launch.

2007-11-05T19:57:00.000-08:00

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

"so when you start to wonder about the pain in my throat..."

Ad Nauseam has officially launched. Look forward to a collaboration of memoirs from 20 somethings from different locations, genders, backgrounds, writing styles, and outlooks on the daily happenings of "lifes and stuffs."