My Sexual Peak Ends on Saturday.....

I read somewhere that the average sexual peak of a male occurs from ages 17-23. On Saturday I'll turn 24. Depressing? Yeah, it's fucking depressing. No more are the days of a poorly put together micro-suede/pine futon getting abused by my rompous sexual acts (I'm sure these were painful days for Matt in the room over). Two years ago I got a place by myself. The reasons were numerous, but mainly it was due to me wanting to play guitar without annoying anyone. The move was helped by my roommates Brian and Matt. When loading the futon mattress into the back of Matt's truck, I couldn't help but remember all the good times I'd had on it. As my thoughts drifted elsewhere Brian brought me back to reality:

Brian: "This mattress fuckin' smells"!

Me: "I know"

Brian: "Dude, what the fuck is wrong with this thing" (burying his face into his armpit as his arms were full)

Me: "I don't know" (big time lie)

Brian: "I can't fuckin' take this" (he drops his end of the mattress on the ground and walks away gasping for breathe)

Me: "You know, I can't smell it anymore. C'mon let's load it".

Brian: "Fine....(picks it up) it still smells"!

We loaded the mattress and Brian washed his hands staring at me in disbelief. "I've never smelled anything like that" he said. I told him that it was probably due to me breaking a few fevers on it without any sheets on it. Brian knows all about mine breaking fevers on shit. When we first moved to Fort Collins I slept on his faux leather (i.e. vinyl) sofa for the duration of a 12 month lease....needless to say I ruined it. 'Desimated' may be a better word. The seat of the stupid thing would constantly fall out and I would have to dig my hand behind the "cushion" to get it going again. I fear I've digressed too far though...back to the sex.

So on Saturday it'll all be over and perhaps...perhaps... I won't be so embarrassed of some of the partners I chose to schwerve on that old blue micro-suede futon mattress. Ok, yes I will. I've made some devastatingly poor decisions in the past three years. Since I've even gotten an STD test and guess what? I'm clean bitches! Despite Bedula and her crazy ways. The year of 24 will be the year of good decisions. I promise. I never in my life thought I would have to get an STD test and have promised myself that I will never have to for the rest of it (my life).

I look forward to the furthered intellectual things I might think about in replacement of sex. I want to know more about a lot of things. Some examples include: the origin of Nihilism, Latin grammar structure, and string theory.....G-String theory! Yeah. Peace out bitches.

-EB-