R there N E good guys out there??? (city) - 37

I like reading personal ads for one reason: I'm an asshole and they make me feel really really good about myself. I don't know if the type of people who create personal ads all follow some inane jack-ass guide or what, but all the posts seem to follow this pattern:

Step 1. Ask "where is alls the good men".

Step 2. Go on and on about how you tried this before and how it only attracted the shitty kind of people who would respond to a personal ad on craigslist.

Step 3. State either:
a) your eye color
OR
b) your heighth and your eye color.
Either way it is important that you leave the weight portion off. I'm sure this is to dodge all the superficial men out there.
Step 4. Talk about how you hate "games" and you're just not gonna play them no more. You're looking for a nice guy, not like that Greg asshole who tried to nail you on the side of a Goodwill donation trailor. Nope! No fuckin' way! Not again! You deserve someone better and you're ready to list out all the things you want. Tenderness, compassion, respect, optimism, stability, chivalry, money, athleticism, piercings and tattoos (oddly enough), good communication, empathy (but not sympathy....you aren't a pity case), and someone who's okay with talking until 5 a.m. "just because".
Step 5. Take a digital picture (shotty webcam shots of you typing are also acceptable) using the lowest resolution you possibly can of yourself in your bathroom. This shows us:

Select from the following:
a) Your filthy fuckin' bathroom
b) Your inability to work a camera without a mirror
c) Your head mimics the shape of a rugby ball
d) You biting your cheeks in a desperate move to become attractive

Step 6. Repeat steps 2-5, however, replace "where is alls the good men" in step 1 with "lets try this again."

p.s. The block over your eyes makes you look like some crazy 3-weinered person getting there picture taken for medical textbooks.

I just wish I could find someone as honest as I would be were I desperate enough to write one. The following is a good example of both what I look like and what I'm looking for:

"My name is ____ and I'm 6'3" and 155 lbs. Not only does this make me extremely lanky, but it also makes any sort of small fall a life endangering event. My forearms surpass the mass of both my biceps and triceps put together (think popeye only not as large), and my ribs are easily countable when I take off my shirt (there all there ;) ). My 8+ years of smoking filthy cigarettes have stained my teeth and make me smell like a dive bar at all times. In addition, my feet smell terrible and I only clip my toenails if it's gotten to the point that my feet hurt inside of shoes. I have an average sized penis and don't have the arm strength to support being on top for more than 10 minutes.

I'm looking for someone who is far more successful and ambitious than myself who finds me to be tolerable. It would also be great if the girl could be hot but have low enough self-esteem so she wouldn't realize that she could do a lot better. She should not be into "anal" or "master" (still don't know what that means). A Rachel McAdams would suit me fine.

Back to me. My nose over the years has taken the shape of a beak and my facial pores are big enough to use as storage containers for food during the winter months. I have an odd muscle under my jaw just above my neck that I can flex outwards to resemble amphibions.

Please write me back ASAP!!!!!"